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The 20 Worst Christmas Songs
19 December 2023, 12:00 | Updated: 18 November 2024, 18:31
In the Christmas mood? Then put one of these festive ditties on and you’ll be tearing the Christmas decorations down in no time. From Fat Les and Basshunter to Iggy Pop and Mr Blobby: these are AWFUL.
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Fat Les - Naughty Christmas (Goblin In The Office)
Fat Les - Naughty Christmas (Goblin in the office)
If anything sums up the depressing hangover of the post-Britpop era, it’s this Christmas outing from Keith Allen, Alex James and Damien Hirst’s weird side project. The follow-up to the still-loved Vindaloo, the video is desperately unfunny and includes future Little Britain stars David Walliams and Matt Lucas.
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Basshunter - Jingle Bells
Basshunter - Jingle Bells (Bass) (Out NOW)
CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON. The Swedish stalker of the low-end gave us this festive blessing in 2009. The video is priceless.
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Maroon 5 - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
Oh John Lennon, what did you do to deserve this?
Maroon 5 - Happy Christmas (War Is Over)
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Crazy Frog - Jingle Bells
Crazy Frog - Jingle Bells (Official Video)
If Basshunter was bad, then you should try this offering from the gibbering, ringtone-selling amphibian. And he’s STILL got his tiny cock out in the video. There are kids watching, for God’s sake!
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Roy Wood and The Wombles - I Wish It Could Be A Wombling Merry Christmas Everyday
The Wombles with Roy Wood - I Wish It Could Be A Wombling Merry Christmas Everyday
Lumbering mash-up of the 1973 Wizzard classic with the ecologically friendly South London puppets and their own vaguely-remembered Xmas hit, courtesy of Mike "Bonkers" Batt.
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Cyndi Lauper - Christmas Conga
Cyndi Lauper - Christmas Conga
We still love Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, but this is just pitiful. And you know how difficult it is to ignore a conga.
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The Cheeky Girls - Have A Cheeky Christmas
The Cheeky Girls - Have a Cheeky Christmas (Official Music Video)
Romanian sisters Gabriela and Monica Irimia first came to the world’s attention on the reality TV show Popstars: The Rivals and they came up with this monstrosity for Christmas 2003. It’s barely even a song.
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Iggy Pop - White Christmas
Iggy Pop White Christmas
Play this to the kiddies on Christmas Eve… and they’ll be troubled by horrific nightmares all night.
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Aqua - Spin Me A Christmas
Aqua - Spin Me A Christmas (official video)
Who knew that the Barbie Girl popsters had got back together in 2008 and released this festive tune? Well, they did, and it's as every bit as cheesy as you'd expect.
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George Cole and Dennis Waterman - What Are We Gonna Get 'Er Indoors
CHRISTMAS TOTP 1983 Dennis Waterman & George Cole - What Are We Gonna Get 'Er Indoors
We lost the great Dennis Waterman in 2022, but don't remember him this way: the actor and his Minder partner George Cole unleashed this seasonal cash-in from their TV comedy-drama in 1983. They appeared on Top Of The Pops in a performance that will have you cringing hard.
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Fast Food Rockers - I Love Christmas
Fast Food Rockers - I Love Christmas
Maybe they're an easy target, but the Folkestone-based pop act delivered this tribute to the festive season in time for Christmas 2003. It tanked at Number 25 and they broke up soon after. Sorry guys!
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Neil Diamond - Cherry Cherry Christmas
Neil Diamond Cherry Cherry Christmas YouTube
The man is celebrated at the moment for his classic Sweet Caroline, but come on Neil, what's THIS all about?
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Twisted Christmas - Heavy Metal Christmas
Twisted Sister - Heavy Metal Christmas
We're putting it out there - the Twisted Sister Christmas album is actually pretty good. But this attempt at re-writing the Twelve Days Of Christmas is perhaps a step too far from Dee Snider and co. Their version of Deck The Halls is much, much better.
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Devo - Merry Something To You
Devo - "Merry Something to You"
The pioneering new wave rockers from Akron, Ohio are legends in their own field, but their attempt at a Christmas song for all denominations falls as flat as a festive cracker joke.
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David Hasselhoff - Jingle Bells
David Hasselhoff - Jingle Bells 2010
Gotta love the Hoff, but he began to believe his own hype at this point and the result is as cloying as eating a whole chocolate selection box by yourself. Not recommended.
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The Damned – There Ain’t No Sanity Clause
The Damned - There Ain't No Sanity Clause
The punk pioneers try and create an alternative Christmas anthem and fail miserably.
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R2D2 and C3PO - Sleigh Ride
Sleigh Ride (feat. R2-D2, Anthony Daniels)
We've all seen the Star Wars Holiday Special, right? Well imagine an album that's ten times worse. Anthony Daniels narrates and R2 squeaks and parps in a Christmassy tone. Someone unplug them!
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New Kids On The Block - Funky Funky Christmas
New Kids On Tha Block..Funky Funky Christmas
NKOTB were 1989’s answer to One Direction as the biggest boy band of the day, and they capped their year with a rancid Christmas album. This is a typical example: posh white men rapping, paper thin swingbeat production, the lot.
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Mr Blobby - Christmas In Blobbyland
Christmas in Blobbyland
The original Mr Blobby single made Chrimbo No 1 in 1993, but this follow-up two years later stalled at a disappointing No 36. Something about Noel’s cloying banter at the beginning just doesn’t ring true. It’s not even "so bad it’s brilliant".
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Band Aid 2 - Do They Know It’s Christmas?
Band Aid II - Do They Know It's Christmas? (Official Video)
AKA “The Forgotten Band Aid”. In 1989, kings of the music industry Stock Aitken And Waterman, masterminded this non-more late 80s follow-up to the classic original. They brought out all the major talent they could muster: Kylie! Jason! Bros! Lis Stansfield! Er, Big Fun. Chris Rea? Technotronic? The finale is a masterpiece of over-singing, but we can't be too harsh because it raised a lot of money for charity - and that's the true meaning of Christmas, right?
